WHY HIGH-PERFORMING MEN STRUGGLE
SDM; it sounds like a venereal disease, doesn’t it? Certainly not something we hope to become. Without an evolved understanding of what it means today to be a man, most high functioning men fall into what I call the single-dimensional-man category; they are good at one thing, typically providing.
Drew graduated from Stanford and completed his PhD at Dartmouth. He went on to teach at Harvard Law School where he met his wife, also an accomplished professor. They fell in love, married, she birthed two children and Drew consulted to supplement their teaching income.
His consulting career took off, requiring travel, sometimes five days a week, often only stopping home for 30-hours between trips. Eating out while traveling over a ten-year period added five to ten pounds of weight annually and within a decade, Drew finds himself sixty pounds over his ideal weight.
Drew is a classic SDM (single-dimensional man); society deems him a success with his multi-million-dollar home, high-powered consulting assignments and impressive pedigree; but let’s examine the costs.
His work keeps him away from his family, preventing him from developing relationships with his children. His marriage neglected, intimacy, connection and sex all stop. Lonely while traveling, he turns to affairs to fill the void. His health deteriorated, increasing his risk of heart attack and stroke.
The single-dimensional man is often an exceptional provider, and yet the money never delivers the fulfillment highly-accomplished men crave. His spouse isn’t happy, his children compete for his attention and the money, it’s never enough. He is stressed, short on time, underappreciated — empty.
Physically, he has neglected himself. Aware of this, he excuses it claiming, there isn’t enough time. He misleads himself into believing after life slows down, he will pay more attention to his physical health.
This is the man who doesn’t have time for the gym or to tend to other aspects of his health, he has also sacrificed his sense of self, all in the name of ego and providing. He is trying to be the hero, yet his unhappiness and self-inflicted pain are costing him and those he loves.
We are no worse off than our peers. Look at a man who is 30–50 pounds overweight and odds are so too are others around him. We are a nation of poor eaters. 80 percent of Americans are overweight, men and women alike. Food is one of the few remaining pleasures, and we indulge to compensate for lacking in other areas of life; sex, money, understanding and self.
TWO-DIMENSIONAL MAN
Chris is a successful CFO, operating with machine precision at the gym and in his physical health. He is among the top five percent of men who excel according to society’s definition of success but unable to win at marriage, he’s given up.
So many find it difficult to maintain an exercise routine. Many more struggle with food discipline; Chris excels at both. Like clockwork he reports for work and excels in a senior leadership position overseeing multiple employees.
Chris had spent year after disciplined year mastering success at work and in his health, yet, he is resigned to settling in his marriage and has come to terms with the disconnect; they don’t spend quality time together or even have a sex life.
They are committed to raising children, but cannot seem to move forward as a loving couple. Why would this high-performing man who excels at so much more than most be OK with mediocrity in marriage?
Is it because he doesn’t want to be a success in this area of his life? No. Chris tried for years to make it work, but with a wife who seems to be continually dissatisfied, he was not about to continue to set himself up for repeated failure.
Chris has stopped playing the game because he doesn’t think it is one that he can win. Like Chris, we have stopped competing, as men and as leaders. We numb ourselves to the pain in our lives, sedating with food, alcohol, and other drugs to cope.
The accomplished man is left searching for solutions — “what am I missing? I’m delivering but it’s never enough. I cannot do anymore, and I am tired of trying.” Failing and lacking the resources to fix it, we continue doing the best we’re capable of and sedate to fill our discontent.
Are you acting as though everything is fine, yet inside you want to scream? Do you go about your day, putting on a smile, pretending as though you have it all figured out? This was me and so many other men I know.
I am surrounded by men who have lived up to society’s expectations, and yet they are suffering, taking anger and frustrations out in unproductive ways.
Compared to our fathers, we look at our lifestyle and cannot help but think, “I’m doing well.” Dad was the undisputed man, head of the house, his authority never questioned. Today, despite our success, why do we struggle?
We are not broken but in need of a SHIFT in how we approach winning, to be fulfilled and ultimately, claim success across life’s core areas.
To be continued…
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Stewart Roberts: Father, husband, entrepreneur, angel investor, guest lecturer, board member, volunteer. Stewart worked for Morgan Stanley in New York City, co-founded TIX China, a Shanghai-based trading company; studied at Harvard and served as Orange County President of Tech Coast Angels. He has guest lectured at both UCLA’s Anderson School and USC’s Marshall School of Business. For eight years he served as a CASA mentor. Today, he leads men through life’s transitions with books, boot-camps, masterminds and online courses.
